Chapter Text
Jane was in a panic. Their ship sat anchored in the harbor, ready to take them back home. Men were taking down tents and hauling barrels. Daddy kept running around after them, begging them to let him stay a bit longer. It seemed all for naught, however.
"You're the captain! Just tell them you've had engine trouble and give us two more days!" Clayton was shouting. Jane watched in desperate fear, wringing her hands. She was unusually grateful for Clayton's brash manner just now. But the captain wasn't convinced.
"And be late at every port all the way to London?" He seemed genuinely shocked at the suggestion.
"We'll have come all this way for nothing!" She cried. Reality kept crashing over her like a bucket of ice water. Time had moved so fast. Despite everything, she hadn't accomplished her goal. They hadn't even seen any gorillas! And there was Tarzan... The anxiety made her frantic.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Porter. But I simply can't do it!" The captain said firmly, walking away before she could protest. Jane felt utterly defeated. What were they going to do?
Clayton was beside himself. "This is your fault," he pointed at her accusingly. "I should have followed my instincts and set traps for the beasts."
"Don't you think I'm disappointed about the gorillas? You are absolutely impossible!" Jane couldn't believe his audacity.
She walked away in a huff, her arms wrapped awkwardly around a full suitcase. She hadn't the faintest idea what to do next, but she couldn't make herself slow down to truly consider it. She wanted to see Tarzan. Wanted to see the gorillas. But she had to pack. Had to prepare for departure. As she moved on auto pilot, thoughts and memories seemed to swirl around her head of their own accord, reviewing this crazy, unexpected adventure that seemed to be ending. One detail in particular kept rising to the surface. Him.
Jane had never seen a naked man before she met Tarzan.
After narrowly escaping death by a herd of angry monkeys, the surprise of seeing her human rescuer, his muscles, his hair, and his...size, was completely overwhelming. Jane's whole body had felt loose and charged with adrenaline in that moment, with him inches from her face. From the first moment she laid eyes on him--after they had both stopped moving, that is--she had wanted him. It was irrational. Instinctive. A passion she could not have named from prior experience.
But a quiet, insistent voice in her head--her sense of propriety, had kept her from acting rashly that day. That voice of logic asking important questions, like who is this man anyway? Why is he naked? Why can't he speak? Why is he so close to me?
She also felt ashamed of this unseemly arousal. Where was her delicate, feminine sensibility? She had always struggled to be a young lady like the other girls. She was kind and pretty, but had never gotten the knack for those feminine arts of needlework and music. Jane preferred the masculine art of science.
It was that scientific nature which she leaned on to overcome her lustful urges whenever Tarzan returned to the camp. He only wanted knowledge of his species and the society of his parents! That was something she could give him, the logical voice in her head would say. And she did. But in spite of that voice, she had also grown to care for him. Underneath that big, hairy exterior, he was a sweet and gentle man, full of curiosity to balance out his naivete.
After the initial, professional excitement of discovering his ape origins and helping him to understand his humanity...there was nothing left but to watch him and drink in his ravenous energy. He was insatiable. Pictures, dancing, talking, reading. He always wanted more. That energy left Jane feeling titillated. She would fall asleep each night with Tarzan's bright face and broad shoulders swimming behind her eyelids, reaching for her and taking her with that same hunger.
By the time he brought her to see the birds, she was primed and ready to give in. His initial hesitation had been endearing, but also frustrating. Jane had never been with any man before and had no idea what it might feel like, beyond the little her mother had said about duty and love before she died. Jane didn't know if she loved Tarzan or if it was just some unholy obsession, fueled by the jungle air and the scent of danger. She convinced herself it was love though. That made her feel better about what she wanted from him. While some part of her did fear being hurt, another part didn't even care if she was. Her desire for Tarzan was not something she understood. More than any sensation, she craved a release of tension. Total surrender. Catharsis. She wanted to feel his intoxicating energy all around her and inside her, to soak it in. She wanted to stop thinking like a scientist and start feeling like a woman.
So their first time... felt a bit like a tease.
But once Tarzan stopped worrying about hurting her, his attitude changed overnight. The sensitive, curious man she had come to know transformed whenever they were together. She wondered once or twice if he was aware of this, but mostly she didn't care. He took her like a wild animal, rough and howling. Every time after the first time, he f*cked her without preamble, as if every moment in between was foreplay in his mind. It was...raw. She was shocked by how much this aroused her, the absence of tenderness. For the hours in between their meetings, she would daydream about this moment of transformation and get damp with desire, preparing for his return. Every time, he would arrive as the sweet, innocent, curious man she had first met and within moments of kissing her, he would lose all semblance of this humanity and start grabbing and pulling and pushing himself all over and inside her. She would gasp and moan and scream his name, forgetting everything about her own humanity as well. In those precious minutes, she was wild too and unafraid to scratch and bite in return.
She lost track of the days and weeks as they passed. She even forgot their reason for coming to this island. Tarzan had woken something in her that would never be able to sleep again. But instead of reckoning with the implications of that, Jane had drowned them in glorious revelry. The gravity of what to do next was too much.
And then he was there. In front of her. She bumped into him and nearly dropped her suitcase. "Tarzan!" She cried in equal parts relief and nervousness. Her eyes found his. "I was so afraid that you wouldn't come in time. The boat's arrived. The boat that's come to take us home to England."
He was looking at her in his calm, curious, expectant way. She found herself getting flushed. He even had a fistful of wildflowers.
And suddenly she felt a burst of clarity that propelled her to keep speaking. "And Daddy and I were...well, I was wondering... Well, we really hope that you'll come with us. Won't you?" She couldn't leave him behind. She just couldn't.
Tarzan considered her words carefully in his adorable way, eyes turned up to the sky and lips pursed. At last he seemed to decide something. "Go see England today. Come home tomorrow!" He looked excited, but her heart fell.
"Oh, no. Well, see, it would be very difficult to come back. Ever." There was no point in lying. He must know, even if it meant losing him forever.
"Not come back?" He seemed stunned at the suggestion, almost betrayed.
"No, no, no!" She cried, sensing him pulling away. "I know it sounds awful, but you belong with us, with people."
"Jane must stay with Tarzan!" He said decidedly, falling to one knee and presenting her with his bouquet, which had dwindled to one lone tulip. She felt the panic begin to rise again as he placed a hand over his heart. An image flashed in her mind, one from the reel of photos she had shown him. He was trying so hard. He loved her so much. Her heart began to break all over again at the thought of leaving him. But how could she stay? How could she live here with him, in the jungle? It was impossible!
"Stay here?" And then her suitcase fell open. "Oh no, no, no, my laundry!" She cried as it all began to fall on the ground. She fell to her knees beside him, gathering up the fallen items with shaky hands. "No, I can't stay," she heard herself saying. It sounded like someone else's voice. "Look, I've got... I'm with my father, and..."
Tarzan took her hand and she felt her body still with calm. He spoke ever so softly. "Jane, stay."
"But--"
"Please." He held the flower up to her again. She stared at it, a world of emotions swirling around inside again.
"But I can't!" And she felt a sob rise in her throat. She stood up suddenly. She couldn't stay like this, with him, watching him beg her, feeling the pull toward him and away in equal measure. The torture of uncertainty. She needed space to think. To feel. So she left him. Without looking back, she ran away.
Sitting alone on the beach, she tried to still her beating heart and racing thoughts. The salt air felt cool and calming. The sand was warm and rough on her toes. Deep breaths. Slowly, gradually, she felt quieter inside.
Jane had come to see gorillas. To study them in their natural habitat. To understand how they live and grow. She had never expected to meet a man, especially not here, of all places. And not just any man, but a man she could love! Of course Jane had fantasized before. She imagined a life with Tarzan--showing him cities and introducing him to people. Sharing a real bed. Having his children. She had never once paused to consider herself staying here with him. How could that work? All alone in the jungle, hundreds of miles from society. From her father.
Suddenly an image of Tarzan in London, cowering in a corner somewhere, totally overstimulated, flashed in her mind. Tarzan lashing out aggressively and going to jail. Maybe staying wasn't so crazy after all.
After several long minutes of silence, Daddy came to tell her the news. Tarzan had had a change of heart. He was going to show them the gorillas! Her heart leapt with excitement and gratitude for him. She decided to set everything else aside for now and just enjoy this moment they had all been wanting for so long.
They all traipsed through the jungle after him, Daddy and Clayton as well. She held his hand as he pulled her up a steep slope and into a sun-soaked clearing. And then everything changed. She was standing feet away from an adult gorilla. Probably female. "She's beautiful!" Jane breathed.
Tarzan smiled at her. "She's my mother," he said tentatively. Jane gasped, then watched the way he looked at the creature and she back at him. Fearful but trusting. And she knew. This was his family. Perhaps the only family that would ever feel true to his heart.
And then they were both on the ground, crouching on knuckles and knees, grunting and hooting softly at the beautiful creature. She wanted him to know that she understood at last. Saw why he was happy here, why he wanted to stay. She wanted to give him the gift he had given her, of openness, of patience and curiosity. And she genuinely wanted to speak with his gorilla-mother. Tell her that there was no reason to fear. She loved his son. She loved her species! They came in peace.
When all of the other gorillas peeked out from their hiding places, surrounding them on all sides, Jane stopped breathing. It was a dream come true.
If only it could have lasted longer. If only that huge silverback hadn't returned when he did, the gorilla Tarzan called Kerchak. Their struggle had been terrifying and mesmerizing to watch. Jane had felt torn, struggling to leave when he told her to run. She kept forgetting that Tarzan had grown up with these creatures. That he knew them more intimately than anyone else and was safe with them. Watching him fight his own father to protect them. It made her love him even more. But as she ran away to safety, she knew in her heart that Tarzan couldn't come to London with them. As much as she loved him, he belonged here with his family.
Then she threw up on the beach.
